Picking Up the Pieces
by Earendil Eldar
Summary: Just another rendition of a post-Cyberwoman heart-to-heart with Jack and Ianto.


Another day. Ianto found himself, yet again, curled up, foetal, on the couch. Everything hurt. Worse, the things that should hurt… didn't. Everything worried him. He'd quit coffee and tea because the caffeine was only maximizing the anxieties already pinging around his mind. It had been days and still all he could do was stare blankly and wish someone or something would drop out of the Rift and take him far, far away from everything.

He wasn't even sure he'd heard the knock at his apartment door. He debated for a long while whether to bother getting up. Eventually he dragged himself off the couch and ambled to the door. If whoever-it-was was still there, they'd probably be scared off by his unkempt appearance anyway.

The last thing – or maybe the only thing – he expected to see through the peephole was that ancient greatcoat. Jack stood sideway to the door, gazing off down the hallway, hands stuffed in his pockets. He looked cool and casual as always. Maybe it would finally be over with, Ianto thought, opening the door. He didn't say a word, just stood there in the doorway. Jack would do the talking, like any true American. He always did.

Jack turned his head to the door with an open expression. Ianto wouldn't have been surprised to see Jack's Webley leveled at his head. Instead he found something altogether more frightening – care and concern.

"Hi. Can I come in?" Jack asked as if he'd gotten a flat and just needed a place to wait for the mechanic.

Ianto just nodded and stepped back.

"Thanks. Hey, I'm parched. Do you mind if I…." Jack pointed at Ianto's kitchenette.

Ianto shrugged and gave a nod. Two mugs of tea, he expected. One packed with retcon. Would have to be rather a lot of it to wipe out the last several years. The highest dose he knew of generally only wiped a few days. Ianto idly wondered what the critical dose was for human safety. As far as he knew, no one had ever been OD'd by the stuff, but then… one could overdose on water too.

Jack came to sit on Ianto's couch beside him but only had one mug of tea. Oh, of course…. The obvious approach only worked for the general populace. Jack would have had to be much more subtle with someone who knew and expected it.

Ianto sighed. "I'll be happy to take it," he said, surprised by the rustiness of his own voice. "You don't need to play hide and seek with me."

Jack took a breath, then apparently rethought whatever he was going to say and closed his mouth. A few seconds later, he closed his eyes and started over. "I respect you more than that, Ianto. You may or may not believe that, but I do. If I were here with retcon there would be a tablet of it on that coffee table, not spiking whatever you've got in the fridge."

"I don't see how. I certainly don't respect myself," Ianto mumbled.

"I'm sorry to hear that. You should."

"Why are you here, then? Exit interview?"

"No." Jack glanced over. "I'm not here on Torchwood business. I'm here because I want to help."

Ianto laughed curtly. "Why in hell's name would you want to help me?"

"Because I care about you."

"After all I did, and said? Try the other one, it's got bells on."

"I can't argue with anything you said to me. All I can do is apologize, actually."

"Look, if you're trying to use reverse psychology to drive me round the bend, it won't work. I'm already there, if you haven't noticed."

"I have noticed, actually. Trackies are _so_ not a good look for you."

Ianto almost said something about how typical it was of Jack to go for the physical, but he ended up just laughing slightly. They weren't a good look for anybody, true enough.

"So, anyway, that's why I'm here. Partly. I owe you an apology, a very deep one that I'm not sure you'll accept." Jack was quiet again for a minute, seeming to collect his thoughts. "What happened with Suzie should have been my wakeup call. I should have pulled back and reevaluated pretty much everything. But I didn't. I just brought Gwen on and expected the world to just keep spinning like it's supposed to for the next 50 billion years. And even had I stopped and made changes then, that wouldn't have excused the gaps in my leadership that lead up to all this. So, I sincerely apologize, most especially to you, Ianto. You all are my team, my responsibility. Believe me when I say I didn't elect myself leader of this outfit, but I did consciously take it on. And I've let some things get lax that I never should have overlooked. My first priority can't be weevils or intergalactic gadgets – it's got to be my team. Everyday. And I freely admit that I have failed miserably at that. For Suzie and now for you as well. I hope you can forgive me, because this is something I've got to live with for a _very_ long time."

"You're Torchwood," Ianto said dryly. "You shouldn't have to live with it too long."

"You know my files. I've made it this long," Jack said with a hollow version of his usual dynamite grin before it softened. "I'm here to do what I should have been doing all along, Ianto. I'm here to offer my hand in friendship. I'm so sorry I let you down, more than I can tell you, but this isn't about me. It's about you. I want to help."

Ianto didn't know what to say, mostly because he didn't know how Jack could help. A part of him still contended he didn't want Jack's help, but he mostly knew that was nothing but a stubborn lie.

"If this were London," Ianto eventually said quietly, "I'd have died that day."

Jack dropped his head back with a sigh. "London always liked to think they had it nailed down. They were never too pleased with Crazy Jack playing fast and loose over there in sheep country."

"Hey. _My_ country."

Jack grinned, genuinely this time. "When all else fails to spark a Welshman, bring out the sheep."

Ianto gave a dubious look, but he had to admit that for the first time in a very long time, something had made him react. Even if it was just a cheap crack.

"I miss you, Ianto," Jack said suddenly. "Not just because I never realized the amount of trash we generate in the hub or because I've been subsisting on some kind of topsoil cleverly masquerading as 'coffee.' I miss you because I miss _you_." Jack almost added that Mayfawny missed him too, but he figured it might not be the best time to mention the dinosaur to which he'd tried to feed Ianto's half-cybernized girlfriend.

"Never seen, always present?" Ianto asked deprecatingly.

Jack shook his head. "I'd rather you _were_ seen and heard. I said before that I respect you, and I do. You understand things that the rest of the team doesn't. You've seen things they haven't. And, frankly, I think you're a lot stronger than any of us – myself included."

Ianto had opened his mouth to respond but Jack's last statement struck him hard. Strong? Oh, no, that was the last thing…. And just like that, Ianto couldn't help it anymore. Proving just how wrong Jack was, Ianto thought surely, a shuddering sob broke from him, wracking his whole body. "I've never been weaker," Ianto whispered shakily. "I'm broken, thoroughly."

Jack pulled Ianto into a tight hug and held him there. "You've been too strong too long, Ianto," Jack whispered back. "I know. I know what it's like. But I'm here to listen, Ianto. Just talk to me, please, I swear to you that I will help. We'll get through this. It will take time, but we will get through it, together."

"I don't know what happened to me," Ianto sobbed, finally accepting Jack's hug and just letting go. "I've never… everything, all my life, I've only ever been proud of my self-control. I kept shit together, if nothing else. And now I haven't even got that. I don't know who I am anymore."

Jack was quiet for a while, letting Ianto cry into his collar and telling himself repeatedly that this was absolutely not the time to _appreciate_ having Ianto in his arms.

"You're Ianto Jones," Jack said softly after a long while when it seemed Ianto had let most of it out. "And despite any beliefs to the contrary, _you_ are the one who keeps Torchwood 3 from falling into Cardiff Bay."


End file.
